Really before I got out of bed I woke up with two kids that had made their way in various ways to our bed in the early morning hours with my arm having that slight ache in it from a sleeping boy draped half across me with his head buried into my shoulder. Once in a while I enjoy this snugly sleepy time but honestly, he gets all sweaty pressing himself up against my side and most of the time I just want a little bit more sleep before having to give up on it and get started on the day.
I wanted it to be a happy morning to take Ava to her first day back at Preschool that she has eagerly been awaiting and to enjoy that time with Rhett just him and I. I had also hoped to get just a few things accomplished on my to do list so I would more available when Ava got home later in the day.
I said yes to her watching PBS in the morning which I usually say no to so we can connect at breakfast together at the table and that was my first mis-step. It was self serving for me, I was already feeling moody and not ready to fully engage. The morning proceeded with some drama with Ava getting ready, she pulled out of it pretty well and drop off was fine. Rhett went on to have an unusually clingy and fussy day thereafter. I wonder if he's teething more or if he's playing off my funk but it was just one of those days where I found myself easily frustrated, feeling wearied by their neediness and being short and pointed in my words with them.
Being a therapist by trade is a double edge sword, I delve into self reflection and find myself conflicted on embracing my feelings of funk and letting it be for now or being proactive try to move to a better pace more quickly. All of this with an undercurrent of knowing how blessed our lives are compared to some of the atrocities going on in the world at this very moment that mom's are living through and the others I know or am connected too that a forging much tougher journeys in this season of their lives.
I noticed going to different screens during the day whether it was TV or phone to try to distract myself and this of course isn't that helpful, I spent some brief time in prayer but I could feel I was avoiding even that engagement, I also tried to increase some connection time with Ava in the afternoon.While we manged through the rest of the day, I just never did shake the heaviness, it was a button down the hatches day - cancelled evening plans, just snacked around for dinner, hubby came to the rescue around 6 and we limped across the bed time finish line.
It's funny how just last week I took them to the zoo just a three of us, it was uncrowded with school agers being back in school and it being too early in the year for field trips over running the place. And I consciously thought this is one of my favorite days and what a blessing it was to be mostly home with them during this season of parenting, we had enjoyed so much taking our time to explore and everyone was in a good mood. Thus the journey of motherhood - It's often a swirling mixture of what is good and what is hard. Some wisdom I read recently was about happiness not being all or nothing - in any given day of this parenting journey there are pockets of the sweetest of joys and there also there's the hard work and less pretty aspects of a 24-7 job.
When I was taking Ava's first day of school pictures this morning, she asked me to take a picture of me and her. Is this honestly a great depiction of the day we had? No. But does it honestly capture that moment we had? YES. While this was a little piece of gold in our day, it is the piece I want to hold on to. My guess if I didn't just write out all these details, this day would fade away, I don't know what I would remember years from now. But I know this gift of parenting these two is a journey unlike any other and some how these harder parts are just as much a part of that fabric. So I am thankful for a day to start over tomorrow, to choose peace and joy with more intention and renewal that a new day can bring. Going to bed thankful and meditating on His mercies are new every morning.
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