A time to mourn

I've lived in Oklahoma my whole life. I've taken cover many times from tornadoes "headed our way". I actually have fond memories of our different shelters we spent time in with neighbors and church family growing up when there was severe weather in our area, I've been at school and work places where we huddled in hallways together. There's many times its come close but I've never been personally devastated by one. To be honest you become use to taking cover and then relief that everything is okay. Over time you start to take that safety and the relief for granted.

My laid back, I'm-use-to-this attitude changed when I had Ava. I thought more about where we should go to be safe. When Ava was about a year old and I was racing home to be with her as the sirens were blaring and there was a tornado projected towards our area. It changed course slightly and  I watched with horror on the live news coverage at the community just adjacent to ours was hit by a tornado. I watched as they pulled a child close to Ava's age from the rubble, only to find out later that child died at the hospital and his 3 year old brother was missing for days before the found his body. That mother was in their safe place, a bathroom as she covered her three children with her body. I still recall the first and last names of each of those kids and family members. I can still close my eyes and see that footage of that limp little body and his bruised and battered mother being pulled out. I've lifted them up in prayer many times since then. I've never met them but I will never forget them.

Then there was Monday. Monday I had the weather on as it was another severe weather day, we had three in a row. We watched to see if or when we needed to get in our shelter. As so many friends and family of mine we watched it all unfold live on our local news. We heard the term "tornado emergency" for one of the first times. We watched the live shot as the massive tornado, was on the ground and staying on the ground as it moved through Moore. Thankful my little ones were both sound asleep for naps because as soon as the tornado was over, the local helicopter news camera showed the immediate impact. Its the first time in watching tornado coverage that my mouth flew open with shock, I couldn't close it - just had to put my hand over it and the tears flowed immediately, how could it be that bad, how is anyone alive? Then they quickly came upon what was left of a school. I know like so many other locals, our stomachs were churning, we knew right then, before the rest of the world would find out soon that horrors were unfolding right at that moment for our neighbors. We watched local familar faced news men on the scene, in tears as they reported on what they were seeing. Our collective thoughts swirling, How many parents and kids were separated? It was during the work day, kids would be in school and day cares. How many parents would get the news their children wouldn't come home from school that day or vise versa, would kids make it out and not have someone to come get them when its all over.

I have mixed feelings about being on leave from work at the moment. I know members of my team will be invovled in the mental health response to this disastor. I know even when I return I am sure we will be treating children and assisting families for some time to come that were impacted by this trauma. May prayers continue to abound for all those hurting, for all those helping - for at many times they will be one in the same.

I want to delicately put this - the loss of life and the amount of those that are children is devastating. Each of those numbers are someones world falling off a cliff of lives forever changed and the pain is searing and will dull with time but never truly go away - but the fact that there was not a much higher death toll continues to stun and amaze me. There's lots of unknown in a situation like this but there are few things I know for sure. As God always is - he was there in this storm, he is there now. I know He has a special place in His heart for the broken hearted and those that mourn as His scripture tells us so. I know He will use His people to bring help and comfort in the days to come. I know that this is too big and in those times its most aparent that nothing can bring healing to what is broken like He can.

Rhett's Birth Story

 

 

Well I knew before he was here I would be writing this post one day soon and I was so looking forward with eager curiosity to what it would say, how our boy's story would start...

 

I do think I was experiencing pre-labor activity for about the entire week before he came. The contractions would come, often in the evening but going to sleep would be all it took for them to disappear again. I could feel that it was coming soon but starting think maybe I was totally off and this would continue for another week or two before he was going to arrive. I was already dilated to a 5 at my last doctor visit which left me with the nervous anticipation about how fast labor could be. 

 

Each morning I would hope that labor would start, we would be well rested and that sure would be nice going into it. As Sunday night rolled around I felt a little sad and surprised that we made it through the weekend with no baby and that we would start another work week again. His due date wasn't for thee more days. Sunday evening I had the same experience, contractions happening, nothing that felt like I should get excited about, so I went to bed and then at 12:30am I awoke to labor contractions mostly in my back, I knew after just a handful of them that this was the real deal. I woke Ryan and we called Aunt Amy to come to stay with Ava, we packed up the car and headed to the hospital. Little brother decided to follow in big sister's steps, another middle of the night car ride to the hospital, timing his arrival also 3 days before his official due date. However, thankful the actual time in labor a mear fraction of what sister's was.  While starting labor after you've been up all day is a little brutal, there is something romantic and perfect for me about that dark, middle of the night, no-traffic car ride with your husband that I love.  So we checked in at 2:00am, contractions were building alot in intensity at that point, I was admitted after they checked me and I was at a 7, they got my IV started and I got my epidural at around 3:00am. 

 

I felt like things proceeded fairly rapidly from there even with the epidural slowing labor a little, I was fully dilated soon and my water broke. However baby boy was turned and not all the way in position just yet. The nurse had me do some pushes to try get him in a better position. He's foot was just under my sternum and curling up to push was difficult. He didn't make much movement so she had the head nurse come in and try to turn him. She attempted and his heart rate didn't like that too much so they rolled me to my side and would wait for the doctor to arrive to do any more turning.

 

My doctor technically could of passed me off to the weekend on call person, but I appreciate when they called her when I checked in and she said she would come in to deliver us. When they rolled me back over that was all it took, he turned himself and got right into position but my Dr couldn't find her keys apparently so her usually quick arrival took 40 minutes for her to arrive. Once she was there, less then five minutes of pushing and he was here. He had the cord wrapped once around his neck but it didn't seem to cause too much distress, his color was good and he scored a 9 out of 10 on his Apgar.

 

There's that moment, the one you've been waiting for. When they lay them on your chest - that experience is the most surreal moments of my life. I really can't quite take it all in just then. All the sudden there they are, a dream in your heart, a little life in your hands, a gift from God that he's entrusted to you, how are you possibly worthy of such trust and such blessing. There he was at 6:31am, in our arms, we waited 9 months to say hello but in many ways we waited our whole life. Hello can be the most mundane of words and then there's those times when its the most meaningful and poignant word in the universe. So we took some time to take it all in before we passed him off for his nurse checks. 

 

The nurses, doctor and us took guesses at his weight, everyone guessed in the 7lb range, the scale showed to all our surprise he was a full pound heavier than his sister was. 8 lbs 6 oz. He probably looked smaller because he was 3 inches longer than his sister at 21inches long, tall and lean.

 

After the great name debate, it was decided Ryan would pick his first name with my approval and I would pick his middle name. That is really how it worked out with Ava as well -just in reverse. I am pleased to say it seemed perfect for him once he was here. We didn't settle on it till just before his arrival. Rhett Hudson, we could finally call him something besides baby boy.

 

The other moment we waited for, meeting sister. We were waiting eagerly for her to wake up that morning so Aunt Amy could bring her to the hospital. Our families were at the hospital also waiting eagerly. We wanted her to be the first to meet him and have some quite time with just us before we flooded the room with the rest of the family. She was sweet and doting and it was one of the best experiences of my life to watch her take him in. Once they had some time together she was so excited to show him off to the rest of the family.

 

 

In true gentlemen style Rhett came bearing gifts for the ladies in his life. A big sister pendant for Ava and a push present for me - a beautiful heart necklace.  

 

All that hair, I couldn't keep a hat on him long because he was just too cute with that head full of fuzzy hair.

Then that morning we spent time with our families. I loved being there for all those first hellos and bearing witness to all that love pouring out over our kids. From the moment they are here there is so much love and joy that surrounds them simply for the fact that they are them and unconditional love is extended just because they exist. Their life already matters, they are valued and cherished from their first breath. I can't help but turn my thoughts also to a little sadness that not every child gets this kind of start.

We were so glad we got released the next afternoon to come home. Ryan's mom stayed with us for the first part of the week and my parents came over the weekend. While my physical recovery was so much easier this time around, the juggling of the two kids helped so much to have extra hands this time around. We had help with meals and laundry and it was so nice to just focus on recovery and and taking care of kids. As with most major changes and times of transition, these past few weeks have had challenging, difficult moments and beautiful, wonderful ones. We of course wouldn't trade any of it and are so thankful to welcome our boy home!

 

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Waiting...

We've enjoyed a quiet laid back day today. A lot more indications this week that baby boy could come soon but guess he's just not quite ready yet. Its an interesting place to be just waiting for your life to completely change, going from a family of three to a family of four, having a son, turning the chapter in our family book to a new phase for us and all of the timing being mostly completely out of our control of just when all that is going to take place. I feel like I've been in early labor off and on for over a week now waiting for it to kick over to active labor but then things ease back. His official due date is just around the corner. I keep getting a few more things done each day that I honestly thought I wouldn't get to before baby came. You know the important stuff like a pedicure, best friend date, shaving my legs (I gave up a month ago the list items like cleaning our our closets and other crazy nesting spring cleaning I thought I wanted to do and then at this stage of pregnancy realized was just a little on the crazy side) Daily the list is growing shorter and my desire to have him in our arms is growing stronger.

 

I know these days are precious and I want to soak them up for what this time holds, the nervous anticipation, the sweet way Ryan is taking care of us, the undercurrent of excitement in our home, the curious and caring texts and phone calls from our family and friends to check our status. On the other side of that my body is growing more uncomfortable daily, the bouncing mind set wise from "is this it?' to "no not yet?" is a merry-go-round that is growing tiring, as well as the lurking bits of anxiety about how fast active labor might go with all this pre-labor activity and the many friends second birth stories in mind of how fast and furious it can all go down - all make this time an interesting mental game for sure.

 

I have a wonderful weekend in store no matter what it holds that will help me live more moments in the former rather than the latter. I spent Friday evening meeting and holding my best friend's sweet newborn little boy, just hours old and perfect in every way, our due dates just a week apart - another thing that makes this time so special and surreal in the best possible way. Tomorrow dear college friends are in town for the memorial marathon and their annual spring visit. An unofficial reunion as this spring marks 10 years ago we graduated college together - we've watched each other start careers, get married, have babies and do this whole adult thing. We were each others family during that treasured time between leaving home and starting adult life on our own and that sense of belongingness has never faded but grows stronger roots as the years pass. I always enjoy the gang being back together and if baby boy needs some more time then its a great way to spend some of the waiting time, if he decideds to come on out than it is very fitting they be some of the first to say hello. 

Alright baby boy, can't wait to meet you! We are ready when you are. 



Birthday Letter: Year three!

 

Dear Ava,

 

Your three years old! As always for your mamma's heart its still hard for me to believe your already that old. I have loved this year in so many new ways as we watched you grow. As I have each year so far I love to reflect and document what's been special for you this year. I do that so I can hold these moments for you these years you won't have clear memories of your own to hold on to just yet but also because I want to treasure them in my heart also. So here we go...

 



 

 

We went on your first big vacation to Florida, staying at a beach house for a week. You loved the pool and sometimes you loved the beach and ocean depending on the size of the waves. Your daddy and I loved all of it! We hope to return at different times as a family to make more memories through your growing up years.

 

 

You met your cousin Adley that will be your closest cousin in age. You have been taken with her since the moment you met her. Every baby doll in our house you have named "Adley". Again playing with your babies is your favorite thing to do, there is usually always one on your hip when we leave the house.

We survived the tripple digit crazy summer heat with lots of pool time and outside water play. I love that you love water as much as me and your daddy.

We cheered you on as you accomplished lots of big time milestones this year. In the fall you said goodbye to the Paci and were potty trained. You also found out your were going to big sister! Then, after Christmas you tranistioned from your crib to your big girl bed. Most of those tranistions were smoother than anticipated. All of them were markers on just how big you are now.

Another favorite for you this year is playing "ballet". You were such a beautiful tiny ballerina for Halloween. You love to put your hands over your head to show us your "ballet" as you make slow deliberate spinning circles. 

 



 

I love continuing to get glimpses of you will be. Your such a fun girl combo - you love getting your nails painted, going to the tea room, wearing a pretty dress but you also love making mud pies, riding your tri-cycle and being outside. You are tender hearted, compassionate and so loving.

 

We let you watch PBS, Dora and movies. Dora and Daniel Tiger are your favorite shows. Your favorite movies have been Lady and the Tramp, Despicable me and Lion King.

Of course the child therapist in me loves that you've mastered most of your feelings identification this year. Feelings words regularly appear in your conversations. My favorite is when you describe happy and you will randomly tell me things like "mom goats make me so happy". Lately you like to use the words frustrated and disappointed. Those big words sound a little funny coming out of your tiny self.

Regulating your emotions, as will be the case for a few years, is still a struggle at times. As is the case for most two year olds sometimes your moods shift dramatically and suddenly. You tested more limits this year and we've had to be more determined and consistent in our response to you to teach you obedience while we try to also honor and mold your drive toward independence. I didn't always respond with the patience and kindness that I wish I had. Getting to parent you continues to refine me and your dad. I pray to our heavenly father that our parenting continues to grow as you do, that we will be who need to be so that we can help you be all He intends you to be.

I am excited to watch this next year unfold for you. I think you will be a natural at this big sister thing. One of the things I am most excited about in meeting your baby brother is the connection you and he will have with one another. While you are growing bigger, you will always be my baby girl in so many ways. Know there is nothing that can ever happen or you can ever do that will make me love you less or more than I do right now. I don't have words for the gratitude I feel for the blessing you are to your dad and I, that is confirmed every year and every day we get to share with you. Happy 3rd Birthday sweet girl!

Love,

Your mama

She's Three!

 

I had hoped we would get through her birthday before we welcomed baby "budder" and that mission was accomplished yesterday!

 

We had a Family Jungle Safari Birthday Party to celebrate.

She's pretty obsessed with the Lion King these days, so it was an easy theme to go with.



 

Here's the cake I made from a Pinterest inspired version.

 A Lion King inspired presentation to get this party started!

 

 

One of her favorite gifts was a lady bug kite. We closed out the day with some sunset kit flying.

 

 A birthday letter to come!



Ready or not...

 

It's been a week. I started this week organized and ready. I knew it would be packed and I knew at the end I would feel so much more ready for this baby and this major transition of meeting him and bringing him home. There is so much I wanted/want to do. Well the events of each day unravelled that plan and determination in different ways. I found myself stuck in the confident self assured determination to get at all done and then being overwhelmed by what I can not control and forcing movement to surrendering prayerful to trusting whatever will be will be. I wish I would live just as confidently in the later as I do in the former. I know there is much wisdom and maturity in starting with prayerful surrender and then moving to determined action but it continues to be a spiritual journey I wrestle with.  At my doctor visit this week I know most in my state would be thrilled to hear "I really don't think you will go to you due date, I really think it will be any day now" but for me that felt overwhelming and anxiety producing at that exact moment. Of course I want to meet him and am so excited for those treasured moments that are just around the corner of his birth and first days with us, a story yet to unfold with much promise and hope of being one of the most joyful and transcendent moments I will have on this earth but honestly I am okay if that's still a week or two out there. My 11 hour work day today yielded getting all the big things checked off or delegated. We worked each evening to go ahead and get hospital bags ready and other home items preped. I am no longer in freak out land if this baby boy decides to come sooner rather than later. Its a good place to be.

 

 

 

Our Weekend.

Its 3:00 in the morning and I am wide awake. I've had a week streak of better sleep lately but this has been a somewhat regular occurrence this stage of pregnancy and just before Ava was born too. It so fascinating how our bodies and minds are being prepared for that lies ahead. Its still really hard to wrap my head being up with a newborn at this hour in just a few more weeks, until then guess I'll update the blog on our weekend adventures!

 

We had a fun weekend in BA enjoying family this weekend. First up on Friday night Grandma's been itchin to take Ava to Sesame Street live, we decided she was ready this year to attend. We were on the second row from the stage, she's not a fan too much of loud noises so I was unsure how she would do. However she had just a few moments of uncertainty and fear but mostly loved it!

 

 

Saturday morning Ava and I visited with my parents and also my grandparents who just moved to BA. We got to see their new place and eat lunch together. After that we meet up when Uncle Aaron and Aunt Amy when they got to town and feed the ducks at Rhema.



 

The weather was pretty great all weekend.

 





 

The other reason for our trip was to celebrate a milestone birthday for grandma.

 

 

Sunday we headed home after morning church and worked on house projects and organization to get ready for baby.  Our last trip to BA before baby!